Self Esteem x Promise Keeping Against Capitalism

and how to build yours at home, when store bought simply won't do

Here I am, fingers poised above the keyboard, thoughts spinning a bit because what I'm about to attempt to describe, to chart the shape of, is complicated. This topic draws blood, and rises to the surface; mottled and mysterious bruises like those that arrive after a blurry night out. A topic that’s equal parts brutally sharp in it’s clarity, and opaque, covert and concealed. It’s meant to felt; understood somatically, behaviorally, hardwired in. It’s not actually supposed to be discussed. Thats kind of the point.

Growing up, I witnessed and experienced firsthand how our lives, particularly those of BIPOC women, but really all marginalized people, often unwittingly orbit around the desires and expectations of men. Specifically white men. Specifically rich, white men. Our self-worth, our ambitions, even our daily habits are frequently surveilled and dominated by an invisible but omnipresent male gaze. This isn't just about relationships; it's about the fundamental way we perceive ourselves and navigate the world, even in our most intimate moments, even alone. How that unspoken judge and jury has its say in the way we dress, the way we talk, the way we dream.

My process of becoming has been and will continue to be long, and non linear. However at various points, it always hits me (hard, over the head) how much of my life, my identity, have been shaped in the shadows, unconsciously by these larger influences. I chart the seasons and stages of my childhood by the entering and exiting (or escaping from) relationships my mother had with men. I use my relationships to men to recall certain periods of my adult life. I know who I was dating based on the music I was listening to, the clothes I wore, and the political ideas I held at the time.

Sometimes, a grief wrapped rage rises up. I feel fractured, unknown to myself in this crisis of identity.

Who would I be without this conditioning?

What would I wear? How would I make love? How would I laugh, walk, or dance?

When we talk about decentering men, capital, dominance (insert ism) in our lives, it's like stepping into a room and realizing that all the furniture – everything we’ve known to be familiar and necessary – is arranged not for us, but for someone else. Every chair, every table requiring a small contortion, a series of compressions so subtle in their demands on us that we hardly recognize we’ve completely altered our original posture.

We grow used to the bending, the near buckling gait, our concept of comfort lost to us, replaced by the now normalized aches and pains of an incrementally more pretzeled existence. And we’re supposed to navigate the room elegantly, sexily, chastely, quietly, intelligently, and innocently. We can’t forget that part. This realization is both jarring and liberating. It’s also a realization that’s taking place for more and more men, as they find themselves at odds with changing relational dynamics, the loneliness epidemic, and the unfulfilling, ever shifting expectations of traditional masculinity.

I appreciate the progression from Jamie Buckingham to Gloria Steinem. We all begin at “The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable”

But our yearning for something better, our reverence for our former selves liberates us enough to arrive again to “The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”

And I’ve found in my life, I’ve managed to get quite a bit done while very pissed off.

Decentering systems of oppression isn’t frivolity, or a futile, child like act of defiance; it's a radical reclamation of space, voice, and identity. It's about reorienting our lives so that our decisions, desires, and dreams are no longer reflexively responsive to a patriarchal script but are instead inscribed with our truths, our values. This shift isn't about exclusion, hatred, or revenge but about expansion—expanding the possibilities of who we can be when we're not confined to roles cast by a dominant gaze or violent, exploitative expectations. Expectations, mind you, which are inextricably linked to patriarchy capitalism, white supremacy, and dominance culture. Expectations that capitalize on feelings of unbelonging, fundamental “wrongness,” and insecurity.

I want to be very clear here, This unholy union seeks to naturalize a violent social hierarchy, exclude us from it, and then sell us access to it by commodifying the very tools needed to activate our resistance from it. (I know, sorry, read that again)

Intimacy, community, trust, self esteem, love, connection, care.

And this is a fucking grift.

If you look deeper into the intersections of capitalism, dominance culture, gender dynamics, and relationship inequalities, you’ll find a veritable industry has sprung up, profiteering from the vulnerabilities and desires that these systemic issues engender. The digital landscape is rife with relationship gurus, matchmakers, and a brand of new age spiritualism that, while claiming to empower, often serves to obfuscate and evade the deeper, structural problems at play, actively promoting (and selling) toxic positivity and spiritual bypassing.

This ensures a desperate, earnest demographic of consumer that is ever unfulfilled, and therefore willing to resort to more extreme measures to remedy the discomfort of irrelevance and exclusion, and fear of being abandoned by the system entirely.

This ecosystem does not exist in a vacuum; it feeds on and perpetuates wider societal issues. Every day a new insecurity, a new sense of persecution, scarcity or shame, and a bloodthirsty market prepared to sell you the solution. Fast, easy, satisfaction guaranteed. This system thrives on the insecurities and frustrations that arise from the genuine social and economic damage it inflicts, channeling these feelings and fears not toward constructive change, but toward resentment, entitlement, self loathing, and division. And beneath that free market, grifters lay in wait, offering an illusion of control and understanding in a rapidly changing, increasingly stratified world, but at the cost of deeper self-reflection and the hard work required to build equitable and fulfilling relationships, with self and others.

Okay, deep breath. Before we entire the justifiable and legitimate territory of “I hate it here”, let’s remember that our ability to name things lifts the veil. We can't change things we cant see, and we can't confront things we don’t name. We can offer a sacred gift of self forgiveness in the face of all of this. We can identify our shame, fear, pain, loneliness and reclaim our sense of self. We have the power to decenter and betray the trappings, the artificial needs and scarcity manufactured by this system by actually building a sense of self sovereignty and fidelity that cant be bought or sold.

In our (yes us!) exploration of self-esteem within the contexts of capitalism and dominance, I've come to a profound realization about the roots of my own vulnerability to these systems. It stemmed from a foundational lack of self-trust. This dissonance touched every aspect of my being—I doubted my physical presence, my intellectual capacity, and my rightful place in the world. I didn’t trust my body, my mind, my place. I lived in a state of perpetual imbalance, out of alignment, out of control, desperately seeking solutions to "fix" myself.

Upon reflection, I recognized that my concept of esteem was pivotal. So I researched the concept of esteem. I considered whom I held in high regard and discovered that the traits and behaviors I admired were not commodities that could be purchased or sold. They were qualities I could embody, enabling me to view myself in a new light. I realized I could learn to trust myself in this shockingly simple, somewhat obvious way. By becoming someone I could rely on. This epiphany led me to a remarkably straightforward, yet profoundly impactful, practice: promise keeping.

So I got to work.

I would make myself a promise daily, explain its importance to me, follow through on it, and thank myself, intentionally calling in a sense of safety and relief.

This daily ritual of setting a promise to myself, understanding its significance, fulfilling it, and expressing gratitude towards myself may seem minor. Yet, it was transformative. It laid the foundation for a belief in myself that was detached from any previously held notions of self-worth that had been sold or modeled for me.. It taught me to trust in my own reliability. Another side effect was that as some promises became more mundane, the promise itself became a creative outlet. My life became more interesting, colorful and full. My habits and routines changed too.

Below is a detailed breakdown of this activity, structured into prompts and sections. Remember, the size of the promise is inconsequential. What matters is recognizing its value, acting upon it, and allowing yourself to experience a sense of accomplishment and autonomy. This process is a testament to your capability to safeguard your well-being, reinforcing your self-esteem from within.

So let’s get started…

REMEMBER: the important thing is to make sure you know why its valuable, that you do it, and that you allow yourself to feel relief.

You deserve to feel responsible for yourself in way that signals to your self esteem that you are safe in your own hands.

Daily Promise Keeping 101

1. Setting a Daily Promise

• Prompt: Reflect on a simple promise you can make to yourself for the day. This should be a manageable commitment that resonates with personal significance.

• Action: Write down this promise in a journal or note. Articulate why this promise holds value to you. “One glass of water is better than none”, or “I’ll see on pair of socks that are matched and ready for em tomorrow” are good enough.

2. Following Through

• Prompt: Implement the promise you've made to yourself. This step is about action and proving to yourself that you can rely on your word.

• Action: Engage in the promised activity, keeping in mind the reasons behind its importance. Allow this process to be a mindful practice of self-reliance and personal integrity. Don’t trivialize. Don’t minimize.

3. Reflection and Gratitude

• Prompt: After fulfilling your promise, take a moment to reflect on the experience. Consider how it made you feel, what challenges you encountered, and how you overcame them. Even if the biggest challenge was “It feels unimportant! or “I didn’t really want to.” Hold space for the fact that you did it anyway.

• Action: Express gratitude towards yourself for keeping your promise. Acknowledge the effort it took and invite in feelings of relief and safety at its completion. Its done now. You did it. Breath a sigh of relief. This act of self-appreciation is crucial in building a healthier self-esteem. If you’re reward oriented, go ahead and have a treat too.

4. Building Trust and Self-Esteem

• Prompt: As you continue this practice daily, observe the shifts in your perception of self-worth, decision making, confidence and trust in your abilities.

• Action: Regularly revisit your reflections, noticing any patterns or changes in your self-esteem. Celebrate your consistency and the reliability you've cultivated within yourself.

This activity is not just about self-improvement; it's a radical act of self-love and a rejection of external validations that require your depletion and desperation. By embracing the simplicity and potency of promise keeping, you embark on a journey towards a more authentic and self-assured existence.

Let me know what you think

in kinship,

Jamila